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Losses. (July's Outro)



We don’t talk enough about our losses. I think our foundation is built on losses. Maybe it’s a pain or something of the sort, but this might be my first time talking about my losses. I quit Beneficial Pain once. I didn’t see the vision; I honestly struggled to understand what we were doing. I was at a pretty high point in my life when I quit. I was well known on campus, building genuine community as Student Body President, and I was a few months from graduating from Boston University. I left BU and embarked on a drive to Atlanta to start at Candler School of Theology on a full scholarship. All indications pointed towards me conquering Atlanta; I had a confidence that was so strong I never envisioned failure. I started classes, moved into my apartment for the first time in my life, and tried to make Atlanta my home.


All my family lived in the northeast; I had two very distant friends that lived in Atlanta. The reality that I would be alone or lonely never crossed my mind until it consumed my emotions. I finished the first semester with a pretty good GPA and tried to power through my self-diagnosed depression. Social media allowed me to keep the image of success that had traveled with me for so long. Inside, I was dying. January came, and my grandfather was called home, which hit me in ways I never imagined. School became secondary. I took a leave of absence and then withdrew.


Meanwhile, something in Baltimore was brewing. I had come back to Beneficial Pain, and this time it felt different; we were focused. In the middle of my pain, BP was my comfort. As I felt my life was crumbling, I ran to Beneficial Pain for support. That’s why this shit is so personal to me. I had to live the motto to get to where I am now. I left Atlanta and came home to Baltimore embarrassed. I was supposed to be the one in Atlanta; I couldn’t get it done.


I came back to Baltimore, unsure of how to “make it beneficial.” A year later and the growth of Beneficial Pain and my personal growth runs side by side. As they got better, I felt better. As they gained direction, I felt like my path was aligning once more. As we become the one, I’ can see myself getting back to the confidence I once had.


My “pain” was having to figure out who the hell I wanted to be. I had to have genuine conversations with myself, and that was painful. As I close this blog, I can see I’ve made it beneficial. I hope you can too.


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